It’s the end of July, which means that the Month for Loki project is over. Of course this isn’t the last you’ll hear about my dear Patron; oh no, don’t you worry. I have a strong feeling that as I reinvent myself yet a-fucking-gain He won’t be far from my heart.
I wanted to take a moment before it ends and talk about one more aspect of my relationship with Loki. See, if you go looking in the blog-o-sphere, whatever the hell that is, most of the Lokean blogs you’ll find are from female-sexed (although probably gender-bent in some way) godspouses. It just seems to be what Loki likes the most. This is not to say I haven’t met male Lokeans, or people who relate to Loki in ways other than godspousery, but that’s the primary mode you find on the Internet.
I’m not one of those. See, Loki and I relate as Father-child. He has made it abundantly clear to me that I am a Jotun-blooded monster, akin to Fenris, Jormangand, and Hel. He has told me intimate details about my mother’s vagina as his way of proving that he was present when my birth parents got busy. What’s interesting is that I was an unplanned pregnancy, or at least that’s how the story goes. My mother and birth father’s early relationship is very much shrouded in mystery; we know there are two marriage licenses with different dates on them, and when I had my abortion my mother confided that she had done the same thing. My birth father told me once that he had advocated for my abortion, but you know, he was a dick.
When Loki revealed his relationship to me, I wasn’t pleased. I mean, I was happy we had some form of connection, but I had lived the first third of my life with a Father-God figure watching over my shoulder, waiting for my every little sin to condemn me to Hell. One of the reasons I had embraced Paganism was to escape Our Father Who Art In The Sky. I believed that Gods were imminent – here, on this planet, in some form or another – not living off in some distant cloud-filled fairy land. I believed that the Gods could love us in a variety of ways, not just as unevolved little children who would never be fully adult in Their eyes. But as time went on, and I learned more about my spirit-siblings, I came to accept it.
Then I met other Lokeans. The first Lokean I met was a female godspouse. She quickly informed me that if Loki truly loved me, He would marry me. I looked at her like she had three heads, but deep inside I had a fairly large faithquake. Was this true? Why does he see other devotees in that way, but yet again somehow I am infantilized, treated like a child, delegated to the kiddie’s table? Maybe my spirit work wasn’t as important, so I didn’t need the prestige that comes with being a spouse. Maybe Loki didn’t find me attractive enough, so it was better to relegate me to “monster” rather than “lover?
It was a pretty bad time.
So I went to Loki. Over the years, he and I have had this conversation more than twice. I honestly don’t know why there are so many Lokean godspouses, other than it makes him happy. But I’ve come to accept that my relationship with him is strong, deep, and vitally important. I don’t know if I would have the kind of signal clarity that I do (I am known for having pretty spot-on clarity, not just with Loki, but in general), because I have that blood in my veins. I am better able to do the Work that I do, which is different than most godspouses, because of that connection. And Loki is not a Big Infallible Father looking over my shoulder doling out demerits: sometimes he’s the Dad who throws you a beer after a hard day’s work and watches the game with you; sometimes he’s the Father who you can call when you car breaks down on the side of the highway; sometimes he’s the Pops that introduces you to all his friends with pride, which in turn gives you a leg up in the Work that you do. Now, I would never call Loki “Pops” to his face, but you get the idea.
I’m surrounded by godspouses and consorts in the spirit work community in which I hang. Somehow I thought when I started experiencing God sex, that eventually someOne would snap me up and I could be one of the cool kids. But it’s clear to me that’s not my path. I would be lying to myself, to my clients, and to my Gods if I tried to force it. I mean, there are Gods who are willing to take Godspouses sorta willy-nilly, as long as the human is ready to make some serious commitments to them. I could do that. But it would derail me from my wyrd in a serious way, and my life seems to flow better when I follow my wyrd.
I mean, there’s also the whole, “I gave Loki the reigns to my life” thing, and at this point, my relationship with him is set in stone. My devotional relationship to him exists outside of any comparison to anyone else’s – it is between He and I, and the people who benefit from the results of that relationship – my clients, my colleagues, the communities I serve.
Hail Loki, Father of Lies and of Monsters.
Hail Loki, whose biggest punishment was the death of his children.
Hail Loki, who loves those who are hard to love.
Hail Loki, who sees into the heart, rather than on the skin.
Hail Loki, who literally made me who I am today.