It’s been a extremely long, very trying week for me. I’ve had to leave my home and face the finality of the end of my relationship with my spouse. (We have to stay married for another year in order to get an amicable divorce.) But I’ve done my best to keep up with the project unabated. So here is this week’s gratitude:
August 8: Today was a really hard day for me, and as I sit with this and try to come up with something to be grateful for, I am kinda at a loss. So it may seem small and insignficant to most people, today I’m going to be grateful for the fact that Netflix has finally added an auto-advance when you’re watching television shows. Those who know me intimately know that I use Hulu/Netflix as background noise to sleep, and with Netflix it meant that I would wake up every so often and have to be coordinated enough to push “next” in order to go back to sleep. Netflix’s new auto-advance isn’t perfect, as it stops at random to make sure you’re actually still watching, but it means the difference between waking up 6 times and waking up twice.
August 9: I am grateful for patience. Not just patience from others, but the patience I have cultivated towards myself. I have started a new drug, and it is playing havoc on me as I adjust. It will hopefully be helpful in the long run, but for now I have to sit with the side effects and do my best not to snap at people or be generally unfit for human consumption.
August 10: In the aftermath of my spouse’s indiscretion, I’ve seen the full gamut of responses from friends and acquaintences. Some side completely with him (which I don’t understand, but I’m not meant to), and some are trying very hard to stay neutral. Today I am grateful for those who see that what he did to me was unfathomable, and that at least in the short term they’re brave enough to stand up for me by openly supporting me, doing nice things for me, and in general making me feel a little less crazy and alone. Tonight I’m specifically thankful for my friends Rebecca and John, who made it clear to me that they understand what I’m going through and think it makes perfect sense to stand up to a friend and tell them when they’ve done something bad or wrong. I know it’s hard; I’ve been in those shoes before, when my friend S found out his wife was cheating on him – but I stood up for S, and did what it took so that everyone knew I supported him and saw that he was wronged.
I’m aware that because there is hope for reconciliation that many people are taking the “wait and see”, no-sides stance; I totally understand why someone would choose that. What I don’t understand are those who are unable or unwilling to say or do anything that might be interpreted as actually taking a stand and saying, “You did something bad to Del, and for that there are consequences.” It’s possible to do that and still hold out hope for a friendship with him – it’s not like he himself doesn’t know that what he did was hurtful and wrong. I get that he has a right to friendship and support too, but if you’re choosing sides, at least be up front about it.
August 11: So, it’s funny that I wrote all that yesterday, because today my spouse ended our marriage permanently, and left me. I have to move to a new location before I am ready to, and a slew of other physical and emotional changes I’m not really prepared for. But tonight, I am grateful for the love of my Deities, who stand by me through thick and thin, and remind me that all endings are beginnings, and that fire may burn, but it burns clean in the end.
August 12: As I sit in the house that has been my home for the last eight years, I take a deep breath in through my nose and am sadly grateful for all the little things that comfort us in times of trouble. It makes me very sad tonight that the smell of this house is comforting to me, because unless the Universe sends me a radical curveball, I will likely never be here again in my life, and if I am, it won’t be “my” house, or “our” house, but “his” house. And maybe that’s what it should have been all along. But I’m grateful for what this house has provided me, and those who have sought refuge here, over the years. All the rituals, the roommates, the parties, and the quiet times. It may not have been the best house, or the cleanest house, but it was always home to me. I will miss it very much.
August 13/14: These two days were some of the most stressful and hectic of my life; therefore, writing what I was grateful for was very far down on my list of priorities. But looking back from the other side of them, the only thing that comes to me is to be thankful for those who have facilitated this part of my transitional process: Spark and Fuego, who graciously opened their home to me on very little notice, and have gone out of their way to make things as easy and comfortable on me as possible. And although I’ve already sung her praises, I cannot be honest and not mention the superhero Rave has been. Driving all over creation, helping with paperwork, finding ways to keep my life moving in the right direction and maintain some semblance of sanity.
August 15: It’s funny, because as I sit and contemplate what I am thankful for today, I’m afraid to write about it because they both are going to cause me to be thankful in the future, and according to the “rules” I can’t be re-grateful to the same person for the same thing. But I’m a monster, so I make my own rules. I am thankful for Shane and Rebecca, who have been stalwart in their support of me, going above and beyond the call of duty. Shane is working on making arrangements so Rave and I can squat in his now-empty house until we can find a place closer to where Rave works; Rebecca has volunteered to help facilitate me getting the surgery I need with as little disruption as possible.