Religious Terrorism meets Religious Liberalism

Originally posted on And the stones shall cry:

This past Sunday, something pretty scary happened at the First Unitarian Universalist Church of New Orleans (First UUNO).  Operation Save America, a fundamentalist anti-abortion organization that is known for descending upon abortion clinics and making life a living hell for anyone coming or going, chose to land in one of our congregations.  Several members of OSA showed up at First UUNO as if there to attend worship, and during the service stood up and began verbally accosting the worshippers and pushing anti-abortion pamphlets into their hands.

I don’t think they were prepared for what followed.  That Sunday, First UUNO was commissioning the College of Social Justice youth leaders who had been gathering all week.  The youth leaders immediately circled in and began singing.  Rev. De Vandiver, a New Orleans-based Community Minister who was leading worship that morning, asked the protesters to please respect the worship space and if they couldn’t…

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Teaching Adults About Sensitive Topics: Tips and Pits

Many of you reading this blog are doing so because you attended a class I taught at one point in time. It is a major part of my shamanic work, which to some can be confusing. Why would Loki want me to teach adults about sex, gender identity, leather history, and kinky stuff? Without going into a long explanation, here are a few reasons:

  • Because I don’t look like a porn star. I have no issues with porn stars who want to teach, and if they use their looks as a gimmick to get people in the seats, more power to them. For me, I want to be a startling visual that there is no appearance-based barrier for entry when it comes to things like sex magic or fucking in public. In fact, my gateway into sex-positive demographics was because I couldn’t find porn with people who looked like me (unless they were being degraded for their size). Even though I only teach one class that specifically relates to being fat (BDSM For Bigger Bodies), I feel that I teach about fat sex, as well as trans* sex and disabled sex (etc) just by teaching anything at all in that realm.
  • Because I’ve been there. I’m teaching the classes I do because in one way or another, I have gone from knowing very little about something other than the fact that it turns me on or that it intrigues me; to having studied how people do it; to people seeing me do it and asking me to show them how. I’ve made terrible mistakes and had accidental success. And I don’t pretend I am the be-all, end-all; I’m not afraid to say “I don’t know” or “I haven’t tried that” and I usually share stories about my fuck-ups as much as my glories.
  • Because I talk about subjects that few others are. I tell a lot of people who are interested in becoming a presenter like me, the best advice I have to give is this – look at the classes being taught at a few events. Then look for the topics no one else is addressing, especially if it’s a topic you feel passionate about. Now go fill that hole! My “Adaptive Kink” class was born after I had attended too many Disability and Kink classes that were focused on different kinds of disabilities one may encounter in the scene, or focused on access issues that PWDs face. But in the five minutes at the end of the class, all of the questions would be from PWDs asking how they can do their kind of sex/play without the disability getting in the way! So the rest of my classes’ title is “What We Do What It Is That We Do With What We Have To Do It With”.

But what I really want to talk about, and get real contributions and comments about, is techniques, gimmicks, pedagogy, or strategies that you have found to work well when teaching sensitive subjects to adults. You don’t need to be a presenter or teacher to play, either; maybe you attended a class that did something to hook your attention or really answer your questions. I’ve studied books on everything from adult teaching techniques to how our brains learn and taken collegiate level classes on these sorts of things. But I’m always looking for new and different ways to make my classes fun and engaging, but also memorable enough that people actually learn something, rather than just being entertained for 90 minutes.

I’ll go first. I don’t make any claims that I came up with these things on my own; these are just techniques I have found useful and/or have received compliments about.

  • How To Handle Handouts. Handouts are actually a very divisive topic among presenters. Some swear by them, and compile 20 page workbooks that carry most of the factual information and use the class time to discuss specific issues and answer questions. Others hate them, citing that nothing is more demoralizing than looking out upon a sea of “page face”, where everyone is reading the handout and no one is listening or watching the teacher. I used to be one of them, but I’ve learned that for some people it is vital to have something to read along with or they won’t retain any information. My tip: I print out a very small number of handouts – maybe 5. These are formatted to be “fill in the blank”, so they have my major points but none of the details. Before class starts, I explain that I have only 5 handouts in hard copy, but if you give my assistant your email address, she will send you an electronic copy. This saves trees, increases the chances the student will keep the handout, gives you a place to add your URL or social media information, and eliminates “page face”. (I’m actually experimenting with follow-alongs that are cloud-based, kinda like powerpoint slides that the student reads on their mobile device and can access whenever they want to reference it.)
  • How To Talk About Potentially Triggery Subjects. For some, their biggest kink is something they feel a lot of shame about. Or it may be something they’re trying to heal from their past through framing it as “play”. Whatever the reason, it’s not impossible to teach a class that takes those sorts of concerns into play. For example, I teach a class called “Non Parental Age Play”, which includes role-play from the overindulging babysitter to the malintentioned kidnapper. In order to go as deep as I feel is necessary without freaking people out, I present the class in three sections. The first is mostly about lighthearted stuff like Sibling Pillow Fights or when a Little Tops a Nanny. Then I announce that the next section includes more sexual content, and therefore we’re taking a “get water and pee” break. When the class goes into adding BDSM into the mix, there’s another short break. That way, people can leave when they’ve reached their comfort zone without feeling like they’re being rude by walking out, or worse, feeling pressured to stay even though it isn’t a good idea. I announce this structure at the top of the class, and I’ve even had people go get friends who were reticent because now they could stay for what they wanted.
  • When <3 is not a heart. I know very few presenters who have never encountered the “small group” phenomenon – where less than 3 people arrive for your class. It could be because you got a bad time slot (like 9am on Saturday, or opposed to a very popular or famous presenter), because your topic has a specific audience, or because it’s raining and few people braved the walk to your space. It messes with most presenter’s plans, because when we write a class and class activities, we’re usually assuming we’ll get somewhere between 10-20 people (depending on the subject matter). This problem can sometimes be compounded when the people who show up are peers or even someone who knows more about the subject than you! (like the time I was asked to teach Leather Traditions to two title holders! Sheesh!) So what do you do? I usually start the same, introducing me and my qualifications, but then I turn it into a coaching session of sorts. I ask questions about the people, what they were interested in and what they want to learn. I might even do an impromptu demo if that’s what someone would like. I basically throw out my structure and talk about why I wanted to teach the class, tell stories about my experiences, and then at the end give my outline (hard or electronic) so they can glean from that too. I almost always give out my email address and tell them they can ask me questions whenever.

And then there are the things that I have learned to avoid. Sometimes I learned the hard and painy way.

  • “Ask Me Anything” is for Reddit only. Whether it’s a room full of people or a single client, you’d think that sharing where your expertise lies and what you have to share would encourage people to ask all sorts of questions. More so when you’re regarded as a well-respected presenter in that field. But alas and alack, this has always led to failure. In fact, my most spectacular failure of a class was a combination of a totally unresponsive and ineloquent demo bottom, trying to teach in a large warehouse-type space where people were playing (and in specific, long whips were being cracked), and I was running on empty mentally and physically because of the frantic pace of the event. I literally begged people to ask questions, because my brain was totally fried and I felt terrible. This is also what used to happen with the ‘less than three’ problem; I’d encourage them to ask questions but without structure or guidance they feel lost.
  • Don’t assume you’re the only expert in the room. And especiallydon’t ACT like you’re the only expert in the room. This was something I learned early on from attending someone else’s classes. I was really excited about a particular class, but felt deflated when the presenter in question (really) kept repeating “I don’t know how anyone couldn’t figure this out on their own”. They had also brought a cheerleading section of either fans or lovers (or both, who knows) that she would “ask questions” to, only so they could slobber on about how smart she was and how well she was able to handle the subject in question. It was one of those times I reminded myself, “You always learn something. It just might not be what you had hoped or expected.” I am always interested if others in the room have different experiences or points of view to share. I also believe that this is a key difference between teaching children and adults. You should always remember that people attending your classes have decades of life experience to draw from. In a way, it also makes it easier to teach, because if you can relate a point to another life experience (like needing different kinds of aftercare depending on the situation, like the difference between how friends can help after a surgery, versus how they can help after a divorce.)
  • Be subtle if you’re using the class to promote other work, like books.. Because events pay a pittance to presenters (if they pay at all), many of us are finding ways to turn our classes into a gateway to other potential income sources. The most well known is writing a book – in fact, if you have a book on the subject, sometimes that’s all it takes to get an event to pay you more! But don’t turn your class into a 90 minute infomercial about your other products. A story I tell often to new presenters: I once attended a class that touted itself to be about alternative forms of energy healing for intermediate students. I was excited because it specifically said it wasn’t about reiki (I am allergic), and it wasn’t a 101 class. But after ten minutes, it became all too clear I had been hoodwinked – he would ask us to do an exercise, and then report back to the class. After we shared what we observed, he would tell us which page in his new book that would explain what it meant. And we did this over and over again, for an hour. There are subtle ways of doing this, from leaving a few copies of your book on a table in your space, or mentioning that if people want more information they can find your book at X booth in the vendor’s hall.
  • Don’t practice medicine, law, or any other illegal things. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s a mistake I have made personally. Here’s the story: I really wanted to teach a class about power dynamics and mental illness. I knew I had a lot to say on the subject, and I was frequently sought out for my opinions and advice. So I started doing a class about submission and mental illness. All three times I taught it, no matter what I did or didn’t do, it turned into group therapy. Not only was that not my intent, but it usually ended badly because someone shared something sensitive and another attendee would share a very harsh opinion or assumption about them. After the third time, I realized I had come very close to posing as a therapist (which I am not), so I took the class off my list. Nowadays, when a professional topic like medicine or law is brought up, I make sure to give the “I am not a lawyer, but” disclaimer, and I also make sure that the discussion is kept short and sweet.

So there. I’ve shared some tips and pits about teaching adults. What works for you? Was there ever a teacher that really got you excited or interested in the material? What was your biggest screw-up? Please don’t be afraid to share – I really would like this essay to become a resource for up and coming presenters. It doesn’t matter what subjects you teach, unless you have suggestions that specifically relate to teaching sensitive subjects like spirituality, sex, or psychology. If you want to post anonymously, you can email me at awesome.del at gmail.com and I will post it for you.

Disciplining Discernment

Originally posted on Thracian Exodus:

There is often a great deal of resistance in Pagan, Polytheist and (in general) “independent religious or spiritual tradition” discourse to the idea that religion or spirituality are disciplines which require discipline to perform. The word “discipline” carries with it an inherent meaning of submission to instruction and process. In the context of describing a field or topic (e.g. “divination by runes is a discipline”) it refers to branch of specialized knowledge and skills which were obtained generally through the submission to a disciplined approach of learning and training. This is why fields of medicine are referred to as “disciplines”, and why academic avenues of study which draw from different platforms or lenses of examination and intent are referred to as “interdisciplinary studies”. A “field of discipline”, or merely “a discipline” for short, is an area of pursuit covering a breadth of knowledge and performance-based skill which are…

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Feb 23: Starting a New Kindred

I apologize this notice is being posted so late; I had some due diligence issues on my end that kept me from posting this before now.

On February 23, 2013, there will be a meeting in my home in Hagerstown, MD with the intent of forming a new Kindred/Spiritual Group. It is open to any who might be interested, who meet the following criteria:

1. Must be able to attend at least 2 rituals or other gatherings a year in person. This is not a “virtual” group; our focus will primarily be on hosting and performing rituals in meatspace. Many of the potential members travel over 2-3 hours to attend functions, and we expect a few who will be traveling as far as 4 or 5. We will not be adding people to our online spaces who are not able to live up to our attendance requirements.

2. Our group will be hosting both public and private rituals; it is preferred that our members be comfortable attending/leading rituals where the public is invited. Usage of “Craft names” or other pseudonyms is fine as long as it’s consistent. Although it’s possible for a member to choose to attend only the private functions, we consider providing ritual to the public in a variety of settings a foundational part of our identity.

Our goal is to offer up to 8 public rituals a year, based on the “Wheel of the Year”. (It is unlikely we will offer all 8, especially in the first year.) Further, there will be smaller semi-private or private rituals that will be for members only (and in some cases, their invited guests). The private rituals will sometimes include “controversial” content, such as ordeals, possessions, blood magic, etc. Obviously, you can always opt-out of a ritual that does not feel right to you, but we’re really looking for members who are able to push their boundaries and at least try new things before they decide not to attend.

3. You must be actively interested in creating and maintaining the Kindred. This is not a thing you show up to and expect to be catered to or entertained. Although the group will have a Godhi/Priest and an Associate Godhi/Gythia/Priest/Priestess, as a group we are all equally committed to making the group function. It is likely that when members proclaim their intent to join, they will be asked to list a number of skills/talents/knowledges that they are willing to contribute to the Kindred. It is our ideology that good ritual is created collaboratively, and that no one person should feel obligated to give more than anyone else.

4. One of the things that ties the current group (heretofore referred to as the “proto-Kindred”) is a shared spiritual focus. Although we may separately identify differently, the group’s identity is Northern Tradition Paganism. We are polytheists. We believe in the usefulness of UPG/PCPG, as well as the established Lore. We believe the Gods are imminent and worthy of worship and respect. Many of us have personal relationships with Deities and/or Spirits, both within the Norse Pantheon and without – but this is by no means a requirement for all members. As we are still learning about each other, we are committed to a curious disposition about other people’s practices and beliefs. We are (obviously?) Lokean friendly.

5. This group is open to people of all genders and identities, of all sexual orientations and practices (including BDSM and power dynamic relationships). The proto-Kindred tends to be pretty open about discussing sex and sexuality, so even if you aren’t personally comfortable discussing what you do with your bits, it is probably best if you are okay hearing what other people do with theirs. And when I say all genders, I heartily include cis gendered folks; when I say all sexual orientations, I heartily include “vanilla” heterosexuals. It is not a requirement to have an encyclopedic knowledge about other people’s identities, but it is also not a requirement for members to educate others about theirs. (in other words, Google is your friend). Some members may not be public about these things, and we expect members to be considerate of those who see this group as a safe space who may not want to be “outed” in other situations.

This also means we are open to people from all different socio-economic status; it is my express wish that money never be a deterrent. When donations are asked for, there will always be non-monetary options – but please understand, not being able to pay does not mean you get to come “for free”; we will expect you to contribute via other means, including administrative work, physical labor, etc.

As of right now, our ritual locations are mostly handicap accessible. If you require accommodation, we will do our best to find a way to make it happen. This includes providing quiet spaces for those who need to de-stim/take a break and other atypical accommodations. We are open to persons with physical, mental, emotional, and social challenges – we want this to be a space and time where you feel comfortable and connected. Although we understand that by their nature some rituals may be less accessible than others, and that there will be accommodations we just can’t provide.

So that all being said, here are the details:

Sunday, February 23rd, 2013
Arrive at 3:00pm, Meeting starts at 3:30pm.
Estimated Meeting Length: 4 hours
Light snacks/drink provided; group may decide to go out to dinner afterward
Please bring:
Some way to take notes (notebooks, laptops, recorders, etc)
At least one solid idea of what you would want out of such a group
At least three treasures/talent/time offerings you can make

If you would like to attend, you can RSVP to delandrave at gmail dot com to get the address.

St. Harridan in Baltimore, With Yours Truly Modeling Awesome Stuff!

St. Harridan is a suit shop like no other. Their mission is to provide masculine-of-center people of all sexes a place to purchase suits and other dress wear that doesn’t bat an eye at things like chest binders, cutting jackets around bust lines, or making sure your hips aren’t emphasized in those pants. I’ve been a big supporter for a long time, and even entered to compete in their contest looking for models.

This weekend, in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor, St. Harridan is creating one of their Pop Up Shops in the Embassy Suites. Although much of their business is conducted online, they hope to one day become a real brick-and-mortar chain, specifically because most suits require tailoring and that’s an in-person sort of thing. In the interim, they travel the country, setting up temporary shops so fans can shop in person, including making appointments for tailoring/fittings. If you enjoy wearing suits, or need a tailored tux (no more rentals!), or even just want to browse some awesome accessories (like bow ties!), I can’t recommend stopping by enough.

And if you happen to come by on Saturday, you may catch a glimpse of your favorite Del sporting some of those accessories in a photo shoot. Yes, I have been chosen as a model to represent this awesome company. And if people happened to feel the innate desire to shower me in bow ties while we hang out, who am I to refuse? I have been changing the way I dress when I present, opting sometimes for a shirt-and-tie look over the witty-tee-shirt-and-jeans I usually rock. So I’m not kidding about desiring more ties, especially bow ties because I only own one and I really love them. I invite all my femme shopoholics who like to play dress up with a live Teddy Ruxpin (I’m not really a Ken type) to come out and donate to the “Del is a snazzy gentleman” tie collection. Heck, bring your butchy cohorts and dress them up as well! Dudes with external bits look good in St. Harridan’s stuff too!

I do feel it necessary to add for my fellow fatties that their off-the-rack suits go up to a 50″ waist; but they offer custom ordering in larger sizes. And being measured in person, rather than dithering with a measuring tape in your skivvies, is a much more accurate way to ensure a good fit.

All the info you need is at the link above, including the address of the hotel. I hope to see some of you there!

Some, Many, Most

For the most part, I try to avoid the flames of blogger drama. I accept that I sometimes bring it on myself, or I wander into a snake pit not having heard the warning rattles. But I’ve been thinking about some of the recent dust ups (and if you weren’t aware there were any, stay blessed and don’t ask), and I may have one piece of the puzzle that might lead us to a better way to write about spirituality and religion.

Most people treat the written word as declarative: Because you are reading this, you assume this is a fact. Academia further culls the habit of starting sentences with modifiers like “I feel”, “My opinion is”, “I think”, “In my experience”, etc. The impression is that if someone is reading your paper, they take for granted that the things you state are things you think, feel, or opine about.

I don’t think the same thing holds true for books. I guess there is a meta sense that a (non fiction) book is a summation of an author’s point of view; but we usually assume that the author has done some amount of due diligence. If an author says “All Pagans are Caucasian”, the reader assumes that the author has looked at some studies, surveys, or other official data to support this assertion. However, if the author makes this statement because they’ve been to a lot of Pagan events and networked with (what feels like) the majority of Pagans, and nary a person of color was seen or heard from, that statement becomes misleading at best and just plain untrue at worst.

When you sit down and have a conversation with someone, you have the option of clarification -“Where did you read that? Or is that based on your own experience?” People have other context clues from which they can learn if a statement is based on experience, opinion, or fact. I might say that Sannion is a weiner who sends dick picks for funsies, and my tone and body language will clue you in as to whether I’m pulling the piss or if I’m delivering a sober warning. No one on today’s Internet needs to be reminded that it is nigh impossible to convey sarcasm, exaggeration, and flat humor in text alone.

Blogs fall somewhere in between all of this. I don’t expect a blog writer to be an expert who has researched the topics they write about – unless they make an assertion that they are, or if they list their qualifications before they launch in. However, there are times when bloggers make declarative statements (like “Polytheists believe that there are many Gods that eminate from a singular source”) that imply that the author has either had extensive experience defining polytheism, or is a polytheist themselves and has spent a fair amount of time with different polytheists, or that they have done some research to arrive at that conclusion.

I know few bloggers who don’t fall into this trap from time to time. We get this idea that we have something to share, and it is true for us (or feels true), so we state things as though they are true. We may have several reasons for using declarative statements – because we’re pretty sure something is true, because something is subjective and therefore we are taking a stand, or because our education/training has taught us this truth. And people seeking information and advice are more likely to take someone seriously if the author uses declarative statements.

I want to introduce a concept I picked up from teaching sex education. It’s a very simple thing that could put out a lot of these fires before they blaze and someone gets accused of torturing homeless people or whatnot. It is not a fire brigade, but more like a smoke detector.

Here it is:

Some.
Many.
Most.

Think you can remember that?

Here’s the context in which I learned it. If someone asks you a question about sex (or pajamas, or garden hoses, or the Muppets), there are many reasons why you might choose not to share your personal experience on the topic. (This is especially driven home for sex ed people who are working with children and teenagers.) So instead of personalizing the answer, you can choose one of the above words to make the same point.

So, for example, if someone asked me if people really dress up in pony tack and dance around a ring for sexytime fun, my answer might sound like:
“Some people do enjoy pony play. Many do it because being an animal lets them escape from complicated human thought and emotions, and some do it because they enjoy dressing up in fancy things and showing off.”

You have no idea what my personal experience with pony play is, but not only do you have a general idea on how popular it is; you also have a sense that it is usually about the animal experience, rather than the dressing up. But my answer was stated in a way that if you secretly fantasize about being a pony (or a trainer), you don’t feel ostracized by an answer like:
“I only know one pony player personally, and she’s my ex girlfriend.”
or
“I have seen it done, but it isn’t my cup of tea.”
or
“The only people who do pony play are doing it for the attention.”

In the end, my feelings about pony play don’t answer the querant’s question. If they really want my opinion, they’re going to have to ask for it explicitly, and even then I have every right to refuse to answer or to refer to someone else.

To break down the concept even further:
Some
“Some” is mostly used when you don’t know how many exactly, nor do you know if something is considered mainstream within that population or not. It allows you to share things that you have less knowledge about, and it’s a great time to make a referral to someone else who might have better information.
Examples:
Some Lokeans are trans* identified, and others are cis* identified.

Some people use drums for shamanic purposes; I’d ask Wintersong Tashlin about other forms of trance induction since I know he doesn’t use drums.

Many
“Many” is used when something is considered commonplace, stereotypical, or generally accepted. It leaves room for dissent or iconclasts, and it affirms that people in the minority are not alone. I tend to use ‘many’ with a description of the sample group I am acquainted with.
Examples:
Many Polytheist bloggers feel excluded from greater Pagan conversations and spaces. Some get pretty aggressive about it.

Many Lokeans find that He brings a time of massive upheaval in their lives. I’ve been a part of the Lokean community for 10 years and it’s fairly common.

Most
“Most” is used when you’re pretty sure something is universal, or at least so dominant that those who fall outside of it know they’re in a small minority. It helps you avoid words like “Every”, “All”, “Always”, etc, because most times using those sorts of declarative words is basically engraving an invitation for your detractors and people who disagree with you. “Most” gives a sense of a cultural norm without being exclusive.
Example:
Most people who read my blog either know me in real life, or found it because of the Month for Loki project.

Most people enjoy orgasms, and think of orgasm as the pinnacle of sexual congress.

I may be crazy (well, I am crazy) but I really do think that if most Pagan bloggers starting thinking and writing in terms of Some, Many, Most; that we’d be able to communicate and teach and share our experiences without excluding or agitating those who disagree with us. There are times when it’s a good and necessary thing to point out when someone’s wrong, especially when they forget to use inclusive modifiers instead of declarative statements; if that happens to you, the classy thing is to admit your error and make a correction. It’s okay to be wrong, and it’s okay to find out that your experience is limited in many ways (by your geography, gender, age, ability, level of engagement/study, etc).

I’m a little afraid that the end result of all this broiling is that fewer and fewer experienced Pagans will feel comfortable sharing their points of view, things they’ve learned/studied, or experiences. I know that’s my impetus for my blogs, and I think many of the blogs that find themselves needing kevlar panties are written by people with similar goals. I hope we can find ways to build a complex and interesting collection of knowledge, and not just leave behind incendiary rants, name calling, and expletives.

Speaking of essays that share knowledge and experience, I wanted to remind my readers that there is a mere 9 days left before registration for my Spirit Work 101 subscription service! For a mere $45 (less than $5 a month!) you receive exclusive, extensive essays and recordings about the basics of Spirit Work. You need not be a spirit worker to enjoy invite-only video chats, “Ask Me Anything” features, and discounts on divination services. Gift certificates are also available, if you know someone who might need to connect with other spirit workers and discuss topics like trance induction, energy work, speaking with and hearing Divinity, and much more. 9 more days, people!

Ancestors and your Beloved Dead

 

Many different forms of Paganism and Polytheism put some level of emphasis on honoring and/or working with Ancestors. This can be problematic for those whose parents/guardians were less than honorable in their parenting skills, whether that mean abuse, alcoholism/addiction, neglect, or abandonment. It is also difficult for those who were actively or passively “kicked out” of their family – whether their family has explicitly told them to go away and never come back, or if repeated attempts to connect with family show that they have no interest in connecting with you. Having a family whose identity is strictly bound to a certain religion or faith tradition that is incompatible with your life choices and/or spiritual beliefs may also complicate matters or make them impossible. Children of adoption may not have any knowledge about their blood lineages and may feel disingenuous trying to work with their adoptive lineage. In short, many Pagans may find it difficult or impossible to understand why Ancestor veneration is considered a meaningful and important part of spiritual practice.

At first, I made a fiat decision that I wasn’t going to include Ancestor work in my practice. I only know shreds of information about my paternal bloodline, and my father was abusive and neglectful. I felt very close to my mother (and still do in some ways), but my maternal family has never felt very comfortable with me, nor I with them. I also know that my father’s family was Catholic and my mother’s is as WASPish as they come, so attempting to integrate them into my wacky Northern Tradition Pagan-inspired practice seems disrespectful of their beliefs. Also, when I attended rituals that encouraged us to “look back and greet the Ancestors”, I heard nothing but crickets. No long-lost great great great uncles or nieces came lunging through the darkness to guide me in jack shit. So I would stand in respectful silence until that part of the ritual ended.

Later on, at a Samhain ritual, the priest used a phrase that changed the way I thought about Ancestral work entirely.

“You are the product of a million hopes and dreams whispered into the darkness; the yearnings of hearts longing to be remembered for their life’s work and the marks they left upon the Earth, among the people you stand with today.”

I wrote this down and spent a long time thinking and toying with this idea. I spoke about it to other Pagans who had similar reasons to disconnect from the traditional thoughts about Ancestor veneration. The more I tried to deconstruct the concept of “Ancestor”, the more I got an energetic sense of “Yes! You’re on the Right Path! Keep Going!”

So I started to play a game. I thought about what was happening in the world at approximately around the time I was born. Although I am sure in some ways I am the product of my birth parents’ hopes and dreams (and maybe Loki too), they are only three out of millions. So if I am the product of millions of hopes and dreams, who was doing the hopin’ and dreamin’?

The first and most obvious leap was to the early Gay Liberation movement. The mid-70’s was a time where many gays and lesbians were starting to come out both personally and politically. I’m sure that being able to live life as a queer trans* man without being locked away (in a psych ward or a jail) is something the gay liberators desperately hoped for the children born around them. Instead of taking on the whole movement, I looked for specific members that I personally resonated with – ones whom I thought would be honored and pleased when their names came from my heart and lips. Even before she passed in 2008, I considered Del Martin someone who would be pleased to see her struggles made manifest into pleasures in my life. I also felt compelled to find a genderfucker that I could connect with, and when I approached Divine in a meditation and asked her if she would be my ancestor, she gave me a giant hug.

I did this with many other outlier groups: I particularly felt drawn to working with those who died in “insane asylums” or other mental health facilities, especially those who were abandoned by their families (and possibly erased from those family’s trees). I also reached out to some who were working with ecstatic states of worship, regardless of their religious tradition. There are a few who died via suicide because they were lonely and forgotten. There are also some who died because their illness was not diagnosed or treated in time.

Before I knew it, I started having a pretty respectable list of those who have passed, who may have dreamed that someone like me would have the kind of life I have now. Doing this has made me incredibly thankful and gracious about the freedom and acceptance I enjoy, and I am painfully aware that many people laid down their lives for that freedom and acceptance.

As time has passed, I have had many close friends and family members, most recently my mother in early December, who have gone on to become my Ancestors and Beloved Dead. These days, I laugh a little when I remember how I used to think I had no ancestors to work with; now I never know who is going to show up when I make space for them in my altars and during my rituals.

I encourage you, regardless of how close you feel to your lineage, to play the same game. Think about who you are today, and whose dreams you are fulfilling. Do some research into what the world was like when you were born, and who has been forgotten or overlooked that you can identify with. Maybe even go to a local cemetery and find a grave that is in desperate need of tending; spend some time there and see if you feel some sort of permission to groom their grave and leave small offerings. See if your local historian society has an idea who that person was, what their life was like.

There are millions of dead who want only to be remembered, and they may not care whether you’re related to them via blood or not. And remembering someone is not very difficult, and can bring you a sense of connectedness and continuity in your life.

 

 

Words, Words, Words: On Toxicity and Abuse in Online Activism

Del:

Although written about activist communities, I found myself making parallels to the recent tenor of discussion in polytheist online spaces as well. I hear so often that people want to blog about important personal moments of spirituality or philosophy, but refrain because they’re afraid of using a wrong word or phrase and pissing off imaginary hordes who sent death threats and sexual aggression. And I can’t lie to them – it happens. I’ve had death threats, been accused of sexual crimes, and been told to hold ideas in less I invite further threats. This is udderly ridiculous and needs to end. There are many ways to state a disagreement or point out problematic theories without calling someone a rapist or a murderer. In 2014, I can only pray our community can collectively work to end such hyberbolic “calling out” culture and resolve to find and support ways to share differing viewpoints and debate ideas without abusing those with the courage to share their thoughts, experience, and feelings – things newcomers want us to be writing and sharing. And those of us with a little cache or respect in the community can stand to listen to anger without responding in kind.

Originally posted on Nuclear Unicorn:

A landscape image of Shodan, a feminine face made up of green digital characters against a black background.

To all new readers: I’ve written a follow up to this article.

Not long ago my partner and I were seated in her car discussing the arbitrary nature of certain holidays and I opined, perhaps halfheartedly, that New Year’s was a worthwhile holiday simply for it being a useful vantage point for reflection, however arbitrary. It provides an overlook whence one can see a year of one’s life and world. A recent tranche of writing by severalprominentmembersof the trans and queer feminist gaming community has renewed my faith in that idea– with the overleaf of the year we suddenly find a great deal of penetrating insight into activist discourse and the risks incurred by our silence about certain excesses that have come to define us too often.

The wages of rage in our communities, and the often aimless, unchecked anger striking both within and without have…

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A Southern Girl’s Guide to Hospitality

Del:

This is a lovely guide to Hospitality that explains simultaneously how it works for both humans and Holy Ones. A word about semantics: the author uses the word “Kindreds” to mean “Gods, Spirits, Etc”, whereas some Northern Trad folks would ordinarily think it meant “the Norse version of a coven”. But definitely worth a read, as Hospitality is something very important to Loki, both that He offers it and expects it, and also expects many of His followers to offer it to those who need it.

Originally posted on Not All Who Wander Are Lost:

A lot of the information out there about interacting with the Powers and establishing a devotional practice is damn intimidating for a beginner. Most of us in the West don’t have a devotional tradition to draw on, and when we try to find others who can maybe show us the way we drown in technical terms and ideas we can’t understand yet. Add in the arguments about the info that is available and it can be more confusing than helpful.

I’m not an expert by any means, but I have been doing this for awhile. I figured I’d provide my perspective for any beginners out there simply looking for a place to start.

Maybe you’re new to the whole idea of hard polytheism, and just don’t know how to interact with Powers who are real individuals and not theoretical constructs. Or maybe you’ve had an experience you don’t understand with…

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